We open on Michael. Eating the cereal that Jan made. Well, she bought the milk. He's convinced that this is going to be a very good year as he recaps that Ryan is in corporate while he drives, and then he runs over Meredith in the parking lot. Oh God. The look on his face is one of pure shock as we go to the opening credits.
The IT guy is sitting and working on Pam's computer. Apparently, Pam was trying to download a celebrity sex tape and it crashed her computer. Jim broke up with Karen, her desk is clear, and she's gone. He says that now he is single.
Pam talked Jim through his breakup, and they did go to dinner a few times. Kevin is convinced that Jim and Pam are sleeping together, but Oscar isn't so sure. To quote Kevin: "Are you KIDDING ME?"
Michael has bad news. He walks in and tells everyone that Meredith was hit by a car. He took her to the hospital, says that the doctors did everything they could. But she's going to be okay. She has a slight pelvical injury. And everyone praises Michael as a hero until he admits that he's the one that hit her.
Jim says that one day Michael came in to work talking about a speed bump he hit on the highway. "I wonder who he hit?"
Dwight says, "At least it was only Meredith. Uh oh, is this downsizing?"
Kevin is adament on making Pam say she's sleeping with Jim.
Angela's cat Sprinkles is sick. There's bad blood between her cats and she can't leave them alone. Plus she has to give Sprinkles is fifty thousand medicines, and that's why she can't go see Meredith in the hospital when Pam suggests the whole office goes. But finally she says okay, because as party planner, she has to do something.
Michael is going to annoy Ryan until Ryan kills someone. He needs a treat for the office workers, something to win their hearts back since he ran Meredith over. He wants to make things better. Ryan starts flipping out because of the accident happening on company property. "It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine." Ryan doesn't seem to think that Michael knows the meaning of 'jeopardy'.
Ummm Ryan, with your scruff. I love it.
Anyway, Angela (Monkey) asks Dwight to give her cat its medicine. Angela laments that she has to go see 'the drunk' at the hospital. Dwight wants Angela to make sure Meredith isn't faking her injuries. Because if he got hit by a car, he wouldn't break his pelvis.
Michael has an announcement and he wants to plant a tree. However, everyone else is going to the hospital to see Meredith. No one wants to plant Michael's 'Freedom tree'. No one wants to drive with Michael either, because he ran over Meredith. Michael says that he has flaws. Sometimes he spends too much time volunteering. He sings in the shower. He hits people with his car. So sue him. No, don't sue him. That's the opposite of what he wants you to do.
Everyone is at the hospital, Michael holding balloons. But he hates hospitals because in his mind, they are associated with sickness. Meredith starts to wake up. Michael really wants her to be in a coma for some reason. She opens her eyes and sits up, saying it's weird that everyone from the office is there at the same time. Michael is trying to wrap the balloons around her wrist and rips out her IV. Kevin claps when the nurse puts it back in.
Creed wants to know what prescription drugs she's on for pain, and he starts listing off a plethora of them, but Meredith has no idea what she's on. Michael thinks it would be fun if she forgave him in front of everyone, and apparently forgiveness is next to godliness, according to the Bible. He doesn't understand why she won't forgive him.
Dwight is talking to Angela. He's come back from taking care of her cat Sprinkles, and it's dead. Angela starts crying and Dwight says, "She looked really dead. Like a dead cat. She's in a better place. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer. Because of the odor."
Michael thinks that Angela is crying because of Meredith, but when he finds out it's about her cat, he starts to get upset and teary eyed. "How could this day get any worse? The computer crashes because of the porn, then Meredith, then Sprinkles. This office is cursed." He says he's not superstitious, but he's 'a little stitious'.
Michael is questioning everyone. "Did anyone do anything on Indian burial grounds? Toby? Have anything to tell us?" No, Toby did not dig up Indian bodies. In fact he's had good luck lately. Angela is still so distraught over Sprinkles. Dwight reminds her that Sprinkles was just a cat. He did not provide wool or milk or meat. So it was useless. Michael wants to talk about religious belief. Because Satan is a master of lies.
Stanley is Catholic. Daryl and Pam are Presbyterians. Creed says "I've been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. Had more fun as a follower, but I made money as a leader." Somehow the IT guy got involved, and he restores cars on the side.
Dwight goes to see Mere at the hospital, and he believes that he should put her out of her misery. Meredith tells him he better not pull any plugs. Dwight says that Meredith's chart should be listing her hysterectomy, and the intern says "So THAT'S where her uterus went!" He's no Zach Braff.
Michael is upset because he didn't even really hit one of the most popular people, yet everyone is mad at him. God is dead. Kelly says if there was a god, she and Ryan would be married. Michael wants to make an animal sacrifice and Jim looks at the camera in complete shock and awe. Michael wants to kill something with the body of a walrus and the head of a sea lion. Or, just the head of a monkey with antlers of a reindeer with a body of porcupine. Jim and Pam volunteer to research that animal.
Dwight says that the doctors are going to start giving Meredith treatment because of the bat that bit her in the office a while back. Michael says that he knows everyone is upset, but Dwight before hand, exposed her to rabies which is ten times worse than getting hit by a car. Curse is broken because if Meredith hadn't been hit by his car, she would have died from rabies. There is now a God again. "Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?"
Kevin is really upset that Pam leaves alone at the end of the day and not with Jim. He thought that they would be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beesley and Jim. "WHAT A WASTE!"
Pam doesn't think it's anyones business if she's dating anyone. And she says it's no ones business if she falls in love. She certainly wouldn't tell a camera crew. And then Jim gets into her car.
Pam answers the phone and she's supposed to say something like "Michael Scott's Rabies awareness Race for the Cure something something something", people hang up on Pam. The whole office is supposed to find sponsors for a Race for the Cure for Rabies. Jan pledged 500 dollars of Michael's money. Phyllis is making a rabies quilt. Kevin refuses to run and Michael says it's because he's probably afraid for others to see his fat legs in running shorts. And then he goes on to say that fat people are good because they are a sign of wealth and money.
Andy is petrified of nipple chaffing. Andy being shirtless is the most horrible thing ever. He tapes his nipples down so they don't chaff, and now it looks like he has headlights.
Angela has a picture montage of her cat, and she's mad at Dwight because she's convinced that he killed her cat after she asked him to feed it.
Pam makes mooney eyes at Jim. Then Angela asks Pam for advice on relationship problems. She has a crazy thought that she knows is crazy, that maybe Dwight killed her cat. After Dwight put Sprinkles in the freezer, she was apparently still alive, and had clawed at frozen bags of french fries.
The camera crew reveals that they have footage of Jim and Pam kissing. They both deny that it was a real kiss, even though it seems like a real kiss. They say the camera crew could have edited it, and then Pam admits that they're dating because it's too hard to lie. So now, the camera crew knows.
Angela hits Dwight. He denies killing her cat and says that she'll feel better after she runs. Running helps with depression. She says she's not depressed, she's grieving.
Michael wants to get a giant check for the race for rabies, but it costs 200 dollars to make a giant check. Which is 25% of their funds. Dwight thought they were trying to make bat birth control. Michael wanted to hand the check to a rabies doctor, but there are no such things. Dwight says that they should just use all their money to set up a college fund for Meredith's son. However Michael says: "Have you seen that kid? He's not going to college."
Pam knocks on Michael's office door saying 5k means five kilometers, not five thousand miles. He says come in, and when she opens the door, he's tugging on pants. And his peen is out. Pam rushes out, shrieking: "You said come in!"
Pam says that the image of Michael's dangling participle is burned into her eyes. Pam wants to know how many hours Michael spends naked in his office. She also says that she didn't see where his bits started, but she saw where they ended.
Pam: "They say if you are nervous, you should picture people naked. I do not recommend this strategy."
Jim is taking off his shirt, then looks into the camera and says: "I'm sorry, if this a working office, and not a nude beach?"
Creed is apparently 82 years old.
Michael still hates Toby.
Jan is threatening Pam about seeing Michael's naughty parts.
The race for the rabies cure is about to start. The face of rabies, is apparently Meredith.
Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans die every year from rabies. It is the foaming barking killer. And squirrels are happy because they are insane.
A giant check for $340 dollars is made out to: 'Science' and has been given over to a prostitute in a nurse's outfit.
The race begins and Dwight fires a real revolver into the air. Everyone takes off running, except for Daryl who starts chatting up the prostitute. Stanley takes a taxi somewhere else. Jim and Pam are in last place, but they hold hands and walk. Jan is the water lady, but Michael won't drink the water. Kevin is surprisingly spry. Andy's nipples are starting to chaff. Stanley, Creed, and Oscar are drinking beers somewhere. Dwight put Immodium in Toby's coffee before the race. He thought he was putting in Exlax.
Ryan is trying to call Scranton, and is annoyed because no one is there.
Michael is about to hurl because of the pasta he ate with Alfredo sauce.
Dwight tells Angela that he loves how cute she looks when she's running. And he admits that he really did kill the cat. Angela is rightly upset. Dwight just thought he was helping because he, as a farmer, just did what city folk can't do by putting the cat out of it's misery. He will have the cat taxidermied, or buried in the east field next to mother. Angela runs away crying.
Jim and Pam go to a garage sale, where Jim carries the loot. Toby wins the race, but he's way ahead of everyone. Kelly is at the finish line 5k from the office. Kelly is just texting on her phone.
Michael can't finish the race. He can't beat rabies. It's been around for 1,000 years and he was stupid to think that he could. He sits down and Jim tells Michael to drink water because he's probably dehydrated, but Michael refuses because there are people in the world worse off than him. And he's upset because there are so many people that he can't help. Pam still had a good day though. And she tells Michael that he doesn't have rabies, and that he should feel better about himself because there are other better people in the world to help. She says that she knows him now because she's seen him naked. "You don't know me, Pam. You've just seen my penis." Michael gets up. He says that he owes it to Meredith to finish this "G.D. 5k."
After, he says that finishing the 5k is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He ate more pasta and drank less water than he ever has in his life. Pam and Jim give him the lamp they bought at a garage sale as a trophy. He pukes and says that although he puked his guts out, he's never puked his heart out. And he's never been more proud.
Michael is in the hospital now for dehydration. Meredith goes to see him. And she wants to say that she heard he was trying really hard, so she's not mad at him anymore. And Michael says that he's not mad at her anymore. Awkward silence. Then they share a red sucker.
Next week: Who knows? NBC sucks with their teasers.