Talking To Anyone Out There

It’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted here (not since the Emmys), and it comes down to two things: I overwhelmed myself with the amount of television I was watching, and the job I actually get paid to do went through a massive upheaval of changes. The first thing is completely my fault, but there were so many shiny and new things! Modern Family, Cougar Town, and Glee! The second thing – not so much within my control but it doesn’t matter anymore because it has finally calmed down. Somewhat.

Post Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the great shows both renewed and new that have been able to keep me entertained: The three already mentioned, plus Mad Men, Community, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, LOST (final season coming soon!) and others. I’m still hoping that some shows will be let go. Shows like Heroes that have fallen to contrived plots and barely there twists in the story lines. And I’m mourning the loss of some early cancellations, most notably my guilty pleasure show Eastwick. What wasn’t to love about that show? It was Charmed meets Desperate Housewives, and it was delicious.

I wanted to compile a list of my top favorite quotes from the past year of television, and then I realized we have the end of a decade upon us. So, I’ve decided to go even further back. Here are some of my favorite quotes from 2000-2009, may most of these shows rest in peace. (And yes, shows that ended within the decade still count! But I am limiting myself to only the seasons that were within this decade. See? Tricky, silly blogger.)

Will and Grace

Karen: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and...Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out!

Jack: Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!

Karen: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus?

Karen Walker: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

Battlestar Galactica

Bill Adama: As of this moment we are at war.

Laura Roslin: We need to get the hell out of here and we need to start having babies!

Baltar: Its all so pointless. We kill them, and they kill us, so we kill more of them, so they kill more of us. What's the point anymore?

Number Six: You, your race, invented murder. Invented killing for sport, greed, envy. Its man's one true art form.

Laura Roslin [after finding ‘Earth’]: So…much…life.

LOST

Jack Shephard: God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together—we're gonna die alone.

Hurley: Okay. See, we did crash, but it was on this crazy island. And we waited for rescue, and there wasn't any rescue. And there was a smoke monster, and then there were other people on the island. We called them the Others, and they started attacking us. And we found some hatches, and there was a button you had to push every 108 minutes or... well, I was never really clear on that. But... the Others didn't have anything to do with the hatches. That was the DHARMA Initiative. The Others killed them, and now they're trying to kill us. And then we teamed up with the Others because some worse people were coming on a freighter. Desmond's girlfriend's father sent them to kill us. So we stole their helicopter and we flew it to their freighter, but it blew up. And we couldn't go back to the island because it disappeared, so then we crashed into the ocean, and we floated there for a while until a boat came and picked us up. And by then, there were six of us. That part was true. But the rest of the people... who were on the plane? They're still on that island.

Mad Men

Bobbie Barret: This is America, pick a job and become the person who does it.

Don Draper: Advertising is based on one thing, happiness. And you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of the road that screams reassurance that whatever you are doing is okay. You are okay.

Friends

Joey: Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler: I don't... understand

Joey: Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica: It doesn't make any sense.

Joey: Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler: On every word?

Joey: Yep!

Monica: What was this sentence originally?

Joey: Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler: And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey: And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica: Uh, Joey, we can't use this.

Joey: Why not?

Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Desperate Housewives

Bree: As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex: Bree...

Bree: And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

Lynette: Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay.

30 Rock

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?

Jenna: Well, of course Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?

The Wire
McNulty: This is just us talking right? Just you, me, my partner and... what did you say your name was?
Bodie: I didn't say shit.
McNulty: Just you, me, my partner and Mr. Shit here.

Slim Charles: Don't matter who did what to who at this point. Fact is, we went to war and there ain't no turnin' back. I mean, shit, it's what war is, you know? Once you in it, you in it. If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie. But we gotta fight.

The Office (US)
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Playing the game of Life]
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Buffy: So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman... is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power, can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

Modern Family
Haley: Hey mom?
Claire: Yeah?
Haley: Can I have forty dollars for lunch?
Claire: Forty dollars?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: A book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

Glee
Mercedes: Oh, HELL to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singin' nonsense. I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland.

Sue: I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.

This is just a mere sampling of what I think have been some of the most memorable quotes of the decade. I could go on forever; I could make this post so long it takes up the entire page. I love pop culture quotes, and I love 'em hard. So now, I want to know what you think. Share with me your favorite quotes from television shows in the past ten years. Spam the heck out of me with your quotes, because I love to read them. And I know you love to relieve them.

The Office - Gossip

Ah, love
Kelly [about two dating interns]: If they get married before I do, I'm gonna kill myself.

Matchmaker
Michael: This place is like a Spaniard fly.

Come on and whisper in my ear
Dwight: People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheek bones.

On things that aren't real
Michael: I shoulda known. Poop ball?

What mama said
Michael: My mom always said that the third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.

Over the hill
Dwight: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.

It was all a LIE
Michael [after Phyllis discredits an intern's gossip]: You stupid son of a bitch, you set me up!

If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right
Preston/Porter intern: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael: Drugs?

True love conquers all
Stanley [on his affair]: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill...

It's a real stumper
Michael: It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.

Sharing is caring
Erin: Kelly has a eating disorder? She always eats my lunch.

Riddle me this
Andy: Let me give you a scenario. I'm like, at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. Tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like, at first. But if he was persistent, I might give in a little bit, just to see what it felt like. Would I push away? How hard? Like, what if he's really aggressive?"
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still...need to get to you?
Andy: This is not real Brad Pitt, this is like, my fantasy. I mean, it's not fantasy it's...just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow, I...wish I could help you. You might be gay.

Liar, liar
Michael [after spreading all of the false office rumors]: It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.

Ponce and Circumstance
Dwight [to the interns on their last day]: As a gift I've attached my card. Call me any time, day or night.
Preston/Porter intern: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight [takes away his card]: Now you can't call me at all, so problem solved.
Jim: You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night

Help a brother out
Jim: Are you interested in her (Pam's) guy friends?
Andy: No! I mean, for the record I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really?
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me I feel like.
Jim: Well, you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right? How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-O.
Jim: And then a man. And then compare.

Tell it like it really is
Angela: You know, a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard.

Come again?
Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all about? What am I working toward?

Sticks and stones
Toby: What are you guys talking about, I have a daughter. How could I be a virgin?

Told in confidence
Dwight: Michael, you told people I use store bought manure. When I showed you where my manure comes from.

The truth comes out
Michael: I made it all up.
Andy: Even the rumor that I'm gay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: Yes.

Signs you may be pregnant
Kevin: Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought, 'Oh she has a new bra with padding'. But then I thought, 'Pam doesn't need padding'. It just didn't add up, Jim.

Just clearing up a few things
Angela: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OBGYN?

Not quite...close
Michael [looking at an ultra sound]: Pam, look at that! That is the inside of your vagina!

I need to know facts
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

The more you know
Julia Stiles intern: I learned that half these people's email password is 'password'.

a lot of t.v. commentary

Breaking news: Samantha Who? has been canceled by ABC. The Sarah Conner Chronicles has been canceled by FOX. The Unusuals has been canceled by ABC.

I wasn't going to post all of my thoughts all at once because I was afraid this post would get long. Then I decided I'd just try to get this all short. All of my shows have ended for the summer, and I have some stray thoughts about LOST, so let's get moving.

As I stated in my previous entry, upfronts have started for all of the networks. Congratulations to the fans of Dollhouse and Chuck for seeing their shows renewed for at least one more season. Here's hoping that FOX moves Dollhouse out of its lackluster Friday night spot and gives it a healthy place to grow.

Scrubs was also renewed. How do I put this in a way that still reflects how much I have loved this show. Um...okay I have it. LET IT GO. I understand that people absolutely love this show but let's face it; it isn't what it used to be. And if it's coming back, then what purpose did that finale serve? I just want to remember Sacred Heart in its glory days, but it seems like it will be beaten with sticks before it finally goes away probably hardly recognizable anymore.

After watching The Office finale, I've decided that it probably won't make it after this next season. Babies? Babies ruin shows and are often shark jumping moments. Believe me; jumping the shark is not a term I use lightly, but depending on how this is all played out, the majority of the audience is going to jump ship. It pains me to say that seeing as how I've loved The Office since the beginning, but with the Jim and Pam story line unfolding like the American Dream all of a sudden, what's the point of continuing?

Desperate Housewives finally ended it's Dave story line and...that's what we waited for all season long? It was kind of...boring, and the whole story line was far-fetched to begin with. Have everyone from Dave to Susan to the newspapers omitted the fact that the stop sign was laying on the ground and that the accident was just that - an accident? I understand grief and all, but aside from Susan not actually having her driver's license on her, where was a real crime committed? I guess this is what I get for trying to think about it logically.

I think that as we go through the LOST hiatus it'll be fun to have a theory a week or so until the show comes back. Because Lord knows there are enough things to speculate. And if I try to write something long it will come out like this: OMG JULIET IS DEAD BECAUSE DARLTON SAID ONCE SOMEONE DIES ON THIS SHOW THEY'RE REALLY DEAD!!!!

I'm not even 100% sure where to start, but I'm just going to dive in.

What is Jacob, exactly?
We know that he's old; as old as the island? He also has a connection to most of our Losties. He visited a young Kate and Sawyer, Jack as he took out his frustrations on his father, Locke after plummeting out of the 8th floor window of a building, and Hurley after getting out of jail. But probably most important is that he physically touched every single one of them. Why? What is the significane of those moments?

Comments below, everyone!

Grey's Anatomy - how ridiculous

Let me give you a brief history of my roller coaster ride with this show. When it first started, I was amazed with the show. I thought it was a great, different take on a medical show, I thought the writing was superb, and I loved the character interactions. So, all 9 episodes of season 1 were a win in my book. Then we had season 2. That was the season with the bomb and while at first I was really worried it would be like an ER story line (how much can happen in one ER?) I thought it was executed very well. We had the train episode where the people were impaled together. Awesome episode. And then we had the Denny stuff.

I bought that for that time frame. I thought it was an amazing, heart breaking story line.

And then there was George/Izzie, Meredith/George, Callie/George, a ferry boat accident, Jane Doe/Ava, and OH MY GOD MAKE IT ALL STOP. I don't understand why. I don't understand why all of that was necessary. It made me stop watching. I tossed in the towel. And then, for reasons unknown, in May I happened to watch the finale.

No Denny. The relationships (with the exception of Burke and Cristina) seemed to be back where they were supposed to be. A heartbreaking clinical trial. Izzie and Alex. Meredith and Derek. Chief and Adele. Things were as they were supposed to be and I thought 'I can start watching this show again'. So, I decided to tune in this season.

I was on board for the first couple of episodes. And then they started bringing back Denny. Really? I love Jeffery Dean Morgan as much as the next person, but oh my God. They are dragging the dead horse out of the closet and beating it again. Why? Whhhhhhy? And now Denny is haunting Izzie? He's a ghost? He won't go away and the previews for next week have them getting ready to do the naked pretzel.

Is there about to be a Supernatural cross over?

This is the hokiest, far-fetched story line I have ever seen. I could believe it and maybe even handle it a little better if this show came on between the hours of 12-4 in the afternoon. It belongs sandwiched somewhere between ABC's soaps. If not for Mary McDonnell guest staring last night, I would have thrown in the towel and switched it over to 30 Rock.

So of course, the good for me was Mary McDonnell. She's supposedly hanging around for 2-3 episodes and it's wonderful to see her as a renowned heart surgeon with Aspergers. I love her so much as Laura Roslin that it was almost shocking to see her in such a different role. My love for this actress really knows no bounds, but instead of tuning in live to see it, I'll be DVRing the show. I've been recording The Office and 30 Rock, but I think I'll be making that switch. I'll take the Jim and Pam romance and Tracy Jordan trying to make the perfect porn video game over the ridiculous and unbelievable ghost ridden Grey's Anatomy any day.

The Office

We open on Michael. Eating the cereal that Jan made. Well, she bought the milk. He's convinced that this is going to be a very good year as he recaps that Ryan is in corporate while he drives, and then he runs over Meredith in the parking lot. Oh God. The look on his face is one of pure shock as we go to the opening credits.

The IT guy is sitting and working on Pam's computer. Apparently, Pam was trying to download a celebrity sex tape and it crashed her computer. Jim broke up with Karen, her desk is clear, and she's gone. He says that now he is single.

Pam talked Jim through his breakup, and they did go to dinner a few times. Kevin is convinced that Jim and Pam are sleeping together, but Oscar isn't so sure. To quote Kevin: "Are you KIDDING ME?"

Michael has bad news. He walks in and tells everyone that Meredith was hit by a car. He took her to the hospital, says that the doctors did everything they could. But she's going to be okay. She has a slight pelvical injury. And everyone praises Michael as a hero until he admits that he's the one that hit her.

Jim says that one day Michael came in to work talking about a speed bump he hit on the highway. "I wonder who he hit?"

Dwight says, "At least it was only Meredith. Uh oh, is this downsizing?"

Kevin is adament on making Pam say she's sleeping with Jim.

Angela's cat Sprinkles is sick. There's bad blood between her cats and she can't leave them alone. Plus she has to give Sprinkles is fifty thousand medicines, and that's why she can't go see Meredith in the hospital when Pam suggests the whole office goes. But finally she says okay, because as party planner, she has to do something.

Michael is going to annoy Ryan until Ryan kills someone. He needs a treat for the office workers, something to win their hearts back since he ran Meredith over. He wants to make things better. Ryan starts flipping out because of the accident happening on company property. "It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We're fine." Ryan doesn't seem to think that Michael knows the meaning of 'jeopardy'.

Ummm Ryan, with your scruff. I love it.

Anyway, Angela (Monkey) asks Dwight to give her cat its medicine. Angela laments that she has to go see 'the drunk' at the hospital. Dwight wants Angela to make sure Meredith isn't faking her injuries. Because if he got hit by a car, he wouldn't break his pelvis.

Michael has an announcement and he wants to plant a tree. However, everyone else is going to the hospital to see Meredith. No one wants to plant Michael's 'Freedom tree'. No one wants to drive with Michael either, because he ran over Meredith. Michael says that he has flaws. Sometimes he spends too much time volunteering. He sings in the shower. He hits people with his car. So sue him. No, don't sue him. That's the opposite of what he wants you to do.

Commercial.

Everyone is at the hospital, Michael holding balloons. But he hates hospitals because in his mind, they are associated with sickness. Meredith starts to wake up. Michael really wants her to be in a coma for some reason. She opens her eyes and sits up, saying it's weird that everyone from the office is there at the same time. Michael is trying to wrap the balloons around her wrist and rips out her IV. Kevin claps when the nurse puts it back in.

Creed wants to know what prescription drugs she's on for pain, and he starts listing off a plethora of them, but Meredith has no idea what she's on. Michael thinks it would be fun if she forgave him in front of everyone, and apparently forgiveness is next to godliness, according to the Bible. He doesn't understand why she won't forgive him.

Dwight is talking to Angela. He's come back from taking care of her cat Sprinkles, and it's dead. Angela starts crying and Dwight says, "She looked really dead. Like a dead cat. She's in a better place. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer. Because of the odor."

Michael thinks that Angela is crying because of Meredith, but when he finds out it's about her cat, he starts to get upset and teary eyed. "How could this day get any worse? The computer crashes because of the porn, then Meredith, then Sprinkles. This office is cursed." He says he's not superstitious, but he's 'a little stitious'.

Commercial

Michael is questioning everyone. "Did anyone do anything on Indian burial grounds? Toby? Have anything to tell us?" No, Toby did not dig up Indian bodies. In fact he's had good luck lately. Angela is still so distraught over Sprinkles. Dwight reminds her that Sprinkles was just a cat. He did not provide wool or milk or meat. So it was useless. Michael wants to talk about religious belief. Because Satan is a master of lies.

Stanley is Catholic. Daryl and Pam are Presbyterians. Creed says "I've been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. Had more fun as a follower, but I made money as a leader." Somehow the IT guy got involved, and he restores cars on the side.

Dwight goes to see Mere at the hospital, and he believes that he should put her out of her misery. Meredith tells him he better not pull any plugs. Dwight says that Meredith's chart should be listing her hysterectomy, and the intern says "So THAT'S where her uterus went!" He's no Zach Braff.

Michael is upset because he didn't even really hit one of the most popular people, yet everyone is mad at him. God is dead. Kelly says if there was a god, she and Ryan would be married. Michael wants to make an animal sacrifice and Jim looks at the camera in complete shock and awe. Michael wants to kill something with the body of a walrus and the head of a sea lion. Or, just the head of a monkey with antlers of a reindeer with a body of porcupine. Jim and Pam volunteer to research that animal.

Dwight says that the doctors are going to start giving Meredith treatment because of the bat that bit her in the office a while back. Michael says that he knows everyone is upset, but Dwight before hand, exposed her to rabies which is ten times worse than getting hit by a car. Curse is broken because if Meredith hadn't been hit by his car, she would have died from rabies. There is now a God again. "Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?"

Kevin is really upset that Pam leaves alone at the end of the day and not with Jim. He thought that they would be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beesley and Jim. "WHAT A WASTE!"

Pam doesn't think it's anyones business if she's dating anyone. And she says it's no ones business if she falls in love. She certainly wouldn't tell a camera crew. And then Jim gets into her car.

And.

They.

KISS.

COMMERCIAL

Pam answers the phone and she's supposed to say something like "Michael Scott's Rabies awareness Race for the Cure something something something", people hang up on Pam. The whole office is supposed to find sponsors for a Race for the Cure for Rabies. Jan pledged 500 dollars of Michael's money. Phyllis is making a rabies quilt. Kevin refuses to run and Michael says it's because he's probably afraid for others to see his fat legs in running shorts. And then he goes on to say that fat people are good because they are a sign of wealth and money.

Andy is petrified of nipple chaffing. Andy being shirtless is the most horrible thing ever. He tapes his nipples down so they don't chaff, and now it looks like he has headlights.

Angela has a picture montage of her cat, and she's mad at Dwight because she's convinced that he killed her cat after she asked him to feed it.

Pam makes mooney eyes at Jim. Then Angela asks Pam for advice on relationship problems. She has a crazy thought that she knows is crazy, that maybe Dwight killed her cat. After Dwight put Sprinkles in the freezer, she was apparently still alive, and had clawed at frozen bags of french fries.

The camera crew reveals that they have footage of Jim and Pam kissing. They both deny that it was a real kiss, even though it seems like a real kiss. They say the camera crew could have edited it, and then Pam admits that they're dating because it's too hard to lie. So now, the camera crew knows.

Angela hits Dwight. He denies killing her cat and says that she'll feel better after she runs. Running helps with depression. She says she's not depressed, she's grieving.

Michael wants to get a giant check for the race for rabies, but it costs 200 dollars to make a giant check. Which is 25% of their funds. Dwight thought they were trying to make bat birth control. Michael wanted to hand the check to a rabies doctor, but there are no such things. Dwight says that they should just use all their money to set up a college fund for Meredith's son. However Michael says: "Have you seen that kid? He's not going to college."

Pam knocks on Michael's office door saying 5k means five kilometers, not five thousand miles. He says come in, and when she opens the door, he's tugging on pants. And his peen is out. Pam rushes out, shrieking: "You said come in!"

Commercial

Pam says that the image of Michael's dangling participle is burned into her eyes. Pam wants to know how many hours Michael spends naked in his office. She also says that she didn't see where his bits started, but she saw where they ended.

Pam: "They say if you are nervous, you should picture people naked. I do not recommend this strategy."

Jim is taking off his shirt, then looks into the camera and says: "I'm sorry, if this a working office, and not a nude beach?"

Creed is apparently 82 years old.

Michael still hates Toby.

Jan is threatening Pam about seeing Michael's naughty parts.

The race for the rabies cure is about to start. The face of rabies, is apparently Meredith.

Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans die every year from rabies. It is the foaming barking killer. And squirrels are happy because they are insane.

A giant check for $340 dollars is made out to: 'Science' and has been given over to a prostitute in a nurse's outfit.

The race begins and Dwight fires a real revolver into the air. Everyone takes off running, except for Daryl who starts chatting up the prostitute. Stanley takes a taxi somewhere else. Jim and Pam are in last place, but they hold hands and walk. Jan is the water lady, but Michael won't drink the water. Kevin is surprisingly spry. Andy's nipples are starting to chaff. Stanley, Creed, and Oscar are drinking beers somewhere. Dwight put Immodium in Toby's coffee before the race. He thought he was putting in Exlax.

Ryan is trying to call Scranton, and is annoyed because no one is there.

Michael is about to hurl because of the pasta he ate with Alfredo sauce.

Dwight tells Angela that he loves how cute she looks when she's running. And he admits that he really did kill the cat. Angela is rightly upset. Dwight just thought he was helping because he, as a farmer, just did what city folk can't do by putting the cat out of it's misery. He will have the cat taxidermied, or buried in the east field next to mother. Angela runs away crying.

Commercial

Jim and Pam go to a garage sale, where Jim carries the loot. Toby wins the race, but he's way ahead of everyone. Kelly is at the finish line 5k from the office. Kelly is just texting on her phone.

Michael can't finish the race. He can't beat rabies. It's been around for 1,000 years and he was stupid to think that he could. He sits down and Jim tells Michael to drink water because he's probably dehydrated, but Michael refuses because there are people in the world worse off than him. And he's upset because there are so many people that he can't help. Pam still had a good day though. And she tells Michael that he doesn't have rabies, and that he should feel better about himself because there are other better people in the world to help. She says that she knows him now because she's seen him naked. "You don't know me, Pam. You've just seen my penis." Michael gets up. He says that he owes it to Meredith to finish this "G.D. 5k."

After, he says that finishing the 5k is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He ate more pasta and drank less water than he ever has in his life. Pam and Jim give him the lamp they bought at a garage sale as a trophy. He pukes and says that although he puked his guts out, he's never puked his heart out. And he's never been more proud.

Michael is in the hospital now for dehydration. Meredith goes to see him. And she wants to say that she heard he was trying really hard, so she's not mad at him anymore. And Michael says that he's not mad at her anymore. Awkward silence. Then they share a red sucker.

Next week: Who knows? NBC sucks with their teasers.