Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Bionic Woman Recap

There are probably going to be a whole lot of BSG references, so don't be surprised. Thanks.

We open on Katee Sackhoff being bat shit crazy in a reverse Leoben. She wants to be told she's loved. So maybe she's like Six now.

Sorry. Couldn't resist it.

Three years later in a bar, we're out of Stoli! A person I can only imagine is Soon to be Bionic Woman herself heads home and finds her kid sister passed out on a couch. She covers her with a blanket, then heads to bed. She wakes up at 8:42 in the morning to some blaring music, and I swear to God, if someone ever did that to me I would punch them in the fucking face. So, Soon to be Bionic Woman storms in and says she's not allowed to be near a computer with internet due to court order. But there is so obviously a computer in the room - er - outside the window.

Bionic Woman drives her sister to school and the two bitch and moan at each other forever. Apparently little sister was dropped off on Bionic Woman's doorstep by her dad a while back. And little sister is totally bitter about it. But who can blame him? Little sister has done nothing but act like a dick.

At some school. A guy is lecturing on body parts and how to alter them. But is there a thresh hold, and is it ever okay to never stop? The guy lecturing is nmaed Will, apparently. And he's dating Bionic Woman because she's 'different'. Yeah right. Heard that one before. She's fucking hot dude, it's okay. Just admit it. She's with him because he's not entirely uncharming. Whatever that means.

Cut to that night. Little sister has to have a babysitter. Ha. She's being left with some women who I'm almost positive are lesbians while Bionic Woman goes on a date with Will.

During dinner, they talk about grants and Paris in spring, but Bionic Woman is not happy. Will wants her to go to Paris, but she's being all noble with her responsibilities and thinking about other people instead of herself. They've only been dating for 5 months and 15 days, but Will wants to get married. She reveals that she's pregnant. They start driving home and Will starts talking about baby names. And wreck! Moment of doom! They do a couple of fucking sick rolls in their death car, and then Starbuck emerges from the semi truck that hit them and stalks forward.


Soon to be Bionic Woman is being heli-flighted to a hospital. How the hell Will isn't in a body cast is beyond me. But I digress. Where did Starbuck go? And this isn't even a hospital. It's a research facility in the middle of Bumfuck, wherever the hell this show takes place. Her right arm is shredded and her legs have to be amputated. I think Will wanted this to happen just so that he could experiment on her, but whatever. Hey it's people whose faces I recognize from other shows, but don't care enough to know their names. Soon to be Bionic Woman is freaking out because she apparently saw Starbuck's face.

Cut to Starbuck. She's talking about sinning and forgiveness. And she wants to go to Disneyland. Which is full of fat people and fat children. Okay, so she's more like Six now. Weird and creepy and a robot. Again with the tell me you love me. And now with the shoving against the wall and kissing. This is definitely a David Eick show.

Soon to be Bionic Woman wakes up and finds out that she'll be able to get pregnant again. But now she's having a freak out about not being able to feel her legs and her arm. But Will has replaced her with robot parts on her face for her eye, her ear, her legs, and one of her arms. She really flips the fuck out and pushes him across a room. People run in and inject her with sleepy time juice. When the Now Bionic Woman wakes up, she immediately searches for her legs and finds them attatched, with no weird shit running through them like before, which is what made her flip out. Will comes in though and tells her that she now has super strength. Bionic Woman wants to know why the hell this was done to her. But Will patiently tells her that she was going to die and there was no other choice.


Cut to a guy on the water in a boat going to talk to some Commando woman who's in charge of something at the research facility. They are talking about Bionic Woman and how she's a good candidate for a project. She's got loyalty, and good brains, and she's trainable by this guy named Jay. Meeting adjourned. Apparently people want to kill Bionic Woman because she could kill a few people now. But Will is all menacing. That better not happen, he says.

Bionic Woman isn't about to let anyone try to rehabilitate her. She pulls her wires out of her arm and walks to a one way mirror. Looking into it, and knowing at least one person is watching her, she says 'Boo'. The man watching says, 'Bitch, it ain't Halloween!' No, that didn't really happen.

Commando Woman has a name. It's apparently Ruth. She comes in, and wants to talk to Bionic Woman. She starts a truth or dare game and tells Bionic Woman her sister and friends think she's in Vail. And if Bionic Woman doesn't get with the program, she'll be put down like a rabid dog. Nice!

Will is talking to some bald guy and he says that Bionic Woman is a civilian, and she shouldn't be doing combat. But this bald dude really wants her to be online and ready to fight.

Ruth tells Asian Guy that Bionic Woman likes to draw. And she drew Starbuck/Six. Apparently Starbuck/Six was supposed to be dead and she's not.

Sirens start going off! Bionic Woman has escaped! Will took her, and says that he's the only one she can trust. Of course. So, she hauls off, but there's already a helicopter looking for her. She starts using her super speed and it's totally awesome. She looks like what I would imagine I would be like on steroids and a Red Bull IV drip. Will is in a lot of trouble now. But Ruth thinks that it's a good idea to let Bionic Woman go. Give her freedom, or the illusion of it, and they'll gain Bionic Woman's loyalty. Asian guy feels this is a mistake.


Bionic Woman makes it back home and Will calls. He needs to talk to her, but she doesn't answer. Instead, she takes a shower and cries. She then looks at herself naked in a mirror, but she really can't notice anything different. So, she goes to a rooftop and flings herself across it. She almost sticks the landing, but has to pull herself up. Maybe she should find Nathan Petrelli and join the Heroes gang. I mean, sure she's Bionic and all, but no one else has to know that.

Anyway, Bionic Woman finds her little sister who knows the skiing in Vail story is a goddamn lie. So she storms off.

Crazy Starbuck goes into the same room she demanded to be loved in, only to find it empty. There's a note on the wall that says 'You failed me'.

Hey, it's Chief Tyrol from Battlestar Galactica! Amazing, I never would have been able to tell that David Eick worked on this show! Anyway, Chief is in a bar and then he leaves. He's pissed about something. He's being threatened now, and then he's given a cell phone. Someone is crying on the other end. We cut to a super max prison. Asian guy is there talking to HOLY SHIT, LAMPKIN FROM BSG! So, this is how the cast is going to ensure a paycheck after BSG goes off the air. They'll just all go to a new show. I nominate Edward James Olmos as the cranky yet soft Chief of Police and Mary McDonnell as the President of something. Anyway, apparently Asian Guy is pissed because Sarah Corvis (So that's what Starbuck's new name is.) is still alive when Lampkin should have killed her. Lampkin is Will's dad.

Cut to the bar Bionic Woman works at. And now crazy ass Sarah is at the bar, chatting up Bionic Woman. Bionic Woman gives Sarah a beer on the house. She has some kind of freak out and starts hearing and seeing shit, and Sarah is loving it. Bionic runs to the bathroom and pukes, and Sarah follows her in, saying she wants to help. She holds back BW's hair and tells her it gets like that when the ear and eye implants go online for the first time. So, Bionic Woman gets all defensive with the 'who the hell are you', and then Sarah just disappears. She's in the crowd and whispers: "Tell everyone Sarah Corvis (?) says hello." Then she leaves for real.

Cut to an alley. A guy tires to get up on Bionic Woman. He has a knife, and she immediately kicks his fucking ass and he starts begging for his life.


Bionic Woman then goes to see Will. Microscopic chips have been embedded in her cerebral cortex. Apparently, they made her into a solider, and with the proper training, she can control her killer impulses. Will pulls that shit about how he couldn't bear to lose her, blah blah blah, and it's obviously a fucking lie, but she'll have sex with him anyway, because that's what David Eick does best in his shows. Cut to later because this is too hot for NBC, Bionic Woman is going to leave. She wants to know what Will really does, but he says it's complicated. Then he talks about how the world is more advanced than everyone really thinks it is. Bionic Woman wants to know where the line is drawn. Then she says Sarah's name and he freaks out. And Sarah is suddenly shooting from across the street and far away, and she shoots right through Will's chest. Asian guy runs up with a gun and sees Will, but instead of calling 911, he calls everyone else. Sarah gets him in her sights and can't kill him.

Bionic Woman starts running and leaping buildings and shit. She's ready to kill someone for going after her man. Seriously, shes gonna fuck Starbuck up. I mean Sarah. Only Sarah is ready for her. And she stops to light a cigarette first, which is the most awesome fucking thing ever. And without being melodramatic, she says that she's the original bionic woman. Ta da. And she's hardcore, all fucking robot, no human. She puts the cigarette out. Time to fight. Sarah realizes that Bionic Woman only has one fucking bionic arm, and she advises something be done about that. This is the most awesome fight I have ever seen. Seriously. You need to see it. It's so awesome, I can't even recap it right. Just imagine the best Power Rangers fight scene you ever saw if that had been a really, really good show created by J.J. Abrams or something. Sarah Corvis says that Bionic Woman didn't do bad at all in the fight before she leaps off a building and jumps away.

Will's boss (who was from Crossing Jordan, I realize) comes to the scene where it's suddenly daylight and the ambulance is just now leaving to take Will to the hospital. Will's boss talks to Bionic Woman and says that he's kind of like her landlord since she has 50 million dollars worth of his technology inside of her. He starts to walk away, and Bionic Woman says that whatever they're about to do, they better be doing it on her terms or she'll kill a lot of fucking people. And then she says 'By the way, Sarah Corvis says hello' before stalking away.

Bionic Woman heads home and gets all nostalgic with her sleeping sister, which is about the only time I can stand that little bitch.

Cut to Senora Pass, California. Will's dad just got busted from jail or something, and now he's hiking through snow. And there's a slo-mo shot. We go back to Bionic Woman. And then fade out.

Next week: Bionic Woman learns more about herself, and she wants to save the world. Man, there are a lot of people trying to do that. You'd think between all of the shows, someone would do it.

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