Monday, September 24, 2007

Heroes - Spoilers ahead!

We start with Mohinder talking. And it's a nice recap of last season with flashes of new stuff and new characters. Okay, Mohinder. Enough. Be quiet. Thanks.

Four Months Later.

Mohinder is lecturing in Egypt. He's talking about the disease that effected his sister and Molly Walker. Some guy in glasses comes in and starts to listen. Mohinder wants a cure and tells people to pick up on the cause. There is polite applause from the roughly 10 people listening. The white guy in glasses wants an autograph and Mohinder goes bat shit crazy instantly and throws him against a wall. Guy in glasses says he just wants to offer him a job, and Mohinder says no thanks because he's been down that road, and it almost got him killed more than a few times by crazy as fuck people. Guy in Glasses says the whole world thinks Mohinder is crazy. Apparently, the world still needs saving, and they are going to chat it up over drinks.

Somewhere south of the border. Maya and Alejandro, a couple of brother and sister banditos are on the run and over a fence. They speak Spanish. More subtitles in our future? They hide in a room. Yep. Subtitles. I think they are saying 'Oh God I am so tired of running. Let's just go to bed.' But apparently if they don't keep running they will die, so they need to keep running all the way to America for answers they need, and besides, Alejandro promised mom that he wouldn't let anything happen to his sister.

California. Claire is walking out of a school with her dad. Fun. 11th grade is shark infested, apparently. HRG (always and forever!) says he does not want Claire to dress like a slut, but she'll still fit in. Her name is Claire Butler now - HELLO, YOUR FIRST NAME NEEDS TO CHANGE TOO, GENIUSES. HRG tells Claire to forget about even thinking about cheerleading,and Claire is saying 'don't drive me to school dad, it's nerdy and I want to make out with a boy this year since I totally got gyped last season. So you can start with giving me a car'. HRG gives her a key to a car and Claire is all excited. And then he looks creepy as he says that he's sorry for everything he's ever put her through and that he loves her. Claire goes back to hug him, because apparently all the shit he put her through last season is now null and void. Claire almost gets hit by a car and how hilarious would it have been if on the first day, she had to heal herself in front of the whole school?

Japan. We see Hiro in a little recap of what happened at the end of last season. Oh Hiro. you are so cute, and I just want to put you in my pocket forever for safe keeping. Japanese is spoken. I'm pretty sure Hiro says 'son of a bitch'. That's what it sounds like anyway, even in Japanese. So I'm going with it. The eclipse happens and everyone stops what they're doing to stare, and then the battle starts and arrows go flying around Hiro's head. But he stops them mid flight which is so bad ass. Hiro says the past isn't safe. Well, I bet it could be if you didn't enter in the middle of a fucking arrow battle, Hiro. So of course, he's going to save Kensei's life by squinting really hard and teleporting them both somewhere else.

New York. Officer Parkman, who thinks he can take on Sylar, is still alive and he's now trying to get some hostages free. Here's hoping he's wearing a vest this time around in the middle of a gunfight. He starts popping caps in someone's ass. Matt doesn't know who to trust between a man and a woman arguing that the other is the bad guy. So Matt just says 'fuck it' and reads their minds, then busts a cap in the woman's ass. Lights come on everywhere. Oh, so it's just a test. Okay then. Matt makes up some bullshit about how he noticed eye contact or whatever, and that's how he knew that she was the bad guy. When he was actually reading minds the whole time. Ch-Ching! Matt has now been promoted to a real cop again. Congratulations!

California. Claire is playing with a Bunson burner. And she's already hated by the cheerleaders. She puts her hand in the fire because she doesn't give a shit what her dad just told her two hours ago about not doing that shit. Some prep dude jerkily says "I'm sure that's hot. It's a flame." Prep dude says that Claire is interesting. And his name is West, but that's the dumbest name ever. So he's Prep Dude. He asks Claire what she is and she has this moment of "Oh shit." And Prep Dude clarifies by asking 'is she a robot or an alien?' Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, buddy. Aliens are apparently really cool. Claire turns the question over on him and he doesn't answer. The teacher starts asking questions, but her dad told her to not even raise her hand, so Claire doesn't, because in school where people ask you questions about Charles Darwin, someone would be suspicious if you talk.

Somewhere south of the border. The Bandito brother and sister are still on the run. And they're trying to get to the border, but it's going to cost them 600 pesos or rupees or something. Which is probably 10 dollars in American. They negotiate for a while on who gets to ride shotgun, but Alejandro isn't having any of that. They both ride in the back.

New York. Matt is taking care of Molly now who is in school, and she says that a boy tried to kiss her. And then some official looking woman interrupts, then shoves Molly away so that she can talk to Matt alone. Official looking woman says that she's concerned about Molly because she's falling asleep in class. Molly has been having nightmares, apparently, and the teacher or whatever is being a bitch. Apparently Matt got divorced, and he's not a stable father figure because of it. He argues that he loves Molly and he feeds her and gives her clothes, and lets her outside to pee, but the teacher shows Matt pictures that Molly is drawing. And it's something with shifty evil eyes and the helix symbol. Oh man, these pictures are scary.

A different part of New York. Ando and Hiro's dad are together in Kirby Plaza. Ando looks like a business man. There's been no sign of Hiro they say, and George Takei says he was always disappointed in Hiro until the showdown with Sylar. So George Takei has hope in Hiro and he decides to wait right there in Kirby Plaza all day and night until Hiro comes back. He opens a newspaper and a picture falls out with a big red helix thing drawn through his face. George Takei freaks out. He says in 24 hours he will be dead. Ando makes the most hilarious face ever.

Yet another part of New York. Ma Petrelli is stroking a picture of Nathan and Peter. Who walks in but - gasp - Nathan! Not dead, and apparently was a cast member on the new Survivor judging by that beard. But he's also drunk which is hilarious. Peter is apparently dead. And Ma Petrelli is pissed. Nathan drove away his wife and kids and to top it all off, he thinks his mom is evil. She looks kind of like Mariska Hargitay here. Anyway, Suvivor Man throws her out. She sees a picture of herself in the hallway with the helix symbol over her face, and that means she'll be dead in 24 hours too.

Japan. Kensei freaks out and draws his sword on Hiro. He wants to know what happened and why he's suddenly not in the middle of a huge arrow fight. And then he runs away like a little bitch. Another man with no Japanese accent whatsoever comes out and points a bow at Hiro. And now the real Kensei is saying that Hiro must be a monk in funny colors, which Hiro denies. Hiro is treating Kensei like a rock god or something, which freaks Kensei out enough to take off his mask. It turns out, Kensei is a white dude which makes Hiro put on his glasses. Hero says 'Wha?' Which is justifiable.

California. In a copy place that HRG now works at, he's taking crap from some teenager that is amusing considering HRG could have killed this guy four months ago. The teenager who is abusing his power is talking about how bad 'you have to want excellence'. HRG just gives a halfhearted 'yes sir'.

Egypt. Guy in glasses is talking about how The Company was supposed to be good, and it was built around finding all the special people and making sure they understand how to use their abilities for good. But somewhere along they started killing some people. Mohinder gets all moral and says that no one has a right to decide who lives or dies. And guy with glasses brings up a good point, saying that Mohinder himself was trying to take out Sylar. Guy with glasses says he has the funds to help Mohinder with his research to take out that virus that was killing Molly Walker and did kill Mohinder's sister. Mohinder says there will be a lot of cost involved, and then guy with glasses turns a spoon into solid gold. So now I will call him MC Hammer.

New York. Matt and Molly are now living in Mohinder's apartment in NY and Matt orders veggie pizza since Molly is the only kid in the world who says she needs to be eating vegetables and not pizza and ice cream. She asks him about his test, and when he says he passed, she pegs it and says Matt cheated to get his shiny new badge. They argue the point and Matt says he wants to talk about the pictures Molly is drawing at school. Molly hung around Claire way too long last season during the finale, because she gets bitchy instantly and screams she doesn't want to talk about it. So she storms off with her dinner into her bedroom. Matt looks dejected.

Somewhere south of the border. The banditos are on a truck heading for the border and they've read Mohinder's dad's book and they say it means they have a chance at salvation. What I think they should be saying is: 'If we try to cross the border, George W. Bush will have us killed!' But then the vehicle stops before they can say that and the banditos are escorted off of the truck. Alejandro is pissed because the truck driver is saying that the price just got raised for the ride unless Maya can sit up front and be taken advantage of or something. Alejandro gets knocked down and his sister starts screaming that a mistake is being made. The truck drivers take off with Maya.

Califoria. It's time for cheer practice at Claire's school. She watches the cheerleaders sadly, but goes back to playing badminton or croquet or something. She runs to find that paper thing they've been hitting over the net when it gets knocked out, and magically, Prep Dude is there. He declares Claire a robot and then she gets all upset and says 'You don't even know me!' and Prep Dude says he knows a robot when he sees one. Stupid Prep guy. The cheerleaders are trying to manipulate some girl into doing something stupid. And Claire calls their shit. And so of course, Claire has to open her mouth and say she can do a back flip off some tower. Even though her dad told her like, 4 hours ago that she better not do that kind of shit. So Claire climbs a ladder but instead of jumping off, she just says she can't do it.

New York. Molly's having a nightmare and so Matt reads her thoughts during her dream. She's thinking 'please don't hurt me' and some mean evil Darth Vader voice says 'I can see you!' and then Molly wakes up all screaming about how some guy can see her. Matt says (like the idiot cop he is) that he'll go after the guy, because he didn't learn his damn lesson in the season finale when he had to eat bullets.

California. Back at the school, just to prove her point when she thinks no one is looking, Claire jumps off the ladder. She breaks her leg, and of course fixes it, just in time for Prep Dude to walk in and ask her why she's still in the gym.

At HRG's new job, he's apparently running late on his break. His teenager boss says there's a line of customers outside but it's obvious he's lying, so HRG wants to finish his coffee. Teenager gets his finger up in HRG's face, but he'll never do it again, because HRG does this amazing flip just using the guy's finger and he tells the teenager to back the fuck off and let his nuts go our else he'll fucking kill him.

Japan. Hiro doesn't understand how Kensei isn't famous yet. And Kensei declares that he has to piss. I think he's a drunk Irish guy. Okay, so maybe English. Whatever. They start talking in English. Good. Because I hate subtitles. Kensei is a dick, apparently, and Hiro is getting more and more pissed off. So Hiro, jet set yourself out of there, okay? Before your child hood hero pisses all over you. Instead, Hiro tells Kensei that he's from the future. Hiro starts telling Kensei his future, and Kensei is dying laughing. Kensei smells smoke and there's a village burning down.

New York. George Takei and Ando are on the Rooftop of Perpetual Doom, and talking more about the death symbol that has befallen George Takei. George Takei wants Ando to leave, but Ando is too noble and says that he has to stick around for Hiro. George Takei needs a sword, so he sends out Ando. Ma Petreilli comes and she looks at Ando like "What the fuck is another Asian guy doing here?" She walks up to George Takei and we see that the pictures that have the death mark are actually two halves and they make a bigger picture of Ma Petrelli and George Takei doing everything but smiling together. George Takei says that someone among them is trying to kill them. He asks Angela how the hell she even tried to help her son so that he wouldn't die, and she slaps the shit out of him. He tells her he's going back to Japan, and she better get the fuck out of dodge too, unless she wants to die.

Japan. Hiro is upset that he rewrote history accidentally. "Great o Scotto!" Kensei says to drink, because it makes everything better. Because being a hero is dumb and dangerous. He obviously watched the season finale. Some Asian chick comes up and hits Kensei in the face and blames him for the village burning down. He blames Hiro, and she takes the Kensei sword, saying it was her fathers. Apparently, she's a princess. Or something. She has to save her father. Or something. I have too much fun inserting my own subtitles and then I don't pay attention. Sorry. But Kensei punches Hiro out and says he needs a drink. Classic. He should go be friends with Nathan the Survivor Man.

California. Back at Claire's new house and it's dinner time. Everyone is pretty quiet. Mr. Muggles is doing well. HRG talks about all the great sun and Claire's mom looks pissed off about the whole situation. She asks Claire what happened at school, and Claire says nothing. Everyone is relieved that no one noticed Claire pop a bone back into place or something. Then Mrs. HRG and Mr. HRG have a conversation about how secretly she knows that he fucked up at work. And they do it all with their eyes. Claire's mom is so fucking weird. And Claire, her brother and her dad, all look at each other like - "Why the hell did we bring this woman?" HRG's cell phone rings and it's Mohinder saying that 'he finally took the bait' and that 'he's in'. And HRG tells him to be careful and watch his back so that the two of them can take The Company down once and for all.

Somewhere south of the border. Back with the banditos, Alejandro is trying to get to his sister. He's all caught up with the truck, and when he opens the door, a dead guy falls out. Inside the truck, more dead people. Lots of dead people. Maya did it. And she's crying, bemoaning about 'what did I do? I didn't want to do it!' And Alejandro tells her to get the fuck up and stop crying so they can get to the United States so she can get some help from Surish. To bad he's dead. I guess they'll have to settle for Mohinder, only he's in Egypt.

California. Claire calls Nathan and he's pissed about it. She doesn't know why she's calling him, and Nathan wants to disconnect so he can drink some more. Claire says she needs someone to talk to, so when the hell did her and Nathan get so buddy buddy? She tells Nathan that she can't be what everyone wants her to be. And he tells her that he can't help her. And he looks in a mirror and he's all burnt up and OH GOD THAT IS FUCKED UP LOOKING. But then he looks back and he's normal. I don't get it either. And then Prep Dude is upgraded to really fucking creepy guy as he flies past her window.

New York. On the Perpetual Rooftop of Doom, George Takei is waiting on Ando to come back when a hobbit comes around the corner. George Takei says 'Out of all of them, I never expected it would be you.'. Ando comes back with a sword then, and then the hobbit and George Takei take off over a rooftop and they splat.

Now we're on Cork Island and someone takes out a security guard with a crowbar. A couple of thugs are looking for shipping crate number 9109. They find the box, and when they open it they find it's empty except for a pale person back in the corner. And there's Peter! In a crate where iPods are supposed to be! Peter doesn't know his name though.

NEXT WEEK: Claire is supposed to be special, Nikki is back, Sylar is on an island having sex, and God isn't done with people yet.

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