The Office - Gossip

Ah, love
Kelly [about two dating interns]: If they get married before I do, I'm gonna kill myself.

Matchmaker
Michael: This place is like a Spaniard fly.

Come on and whisper in my ear
Dwight: People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheek bones.

On things that aren't real
Michael: I shoulda known. Poop ball?

What mama said
Michael: My mom always said that the third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.

Over the hill
Dwight: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.

It was all a LIE
Michael [after Phyllis discredits an intern's gossip]: You stupid son of a bitch, you set me up!

If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right
Preston/Porter intern: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael: Drugs?

True love conquers all
Stanley [on his affair]: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill...

It's a real stumper
Michael: It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.

Sharing is caring
Erin: Kelly has a eating disorder? She always eats my lunch.

Riddle me this
Andy: Let me give you a scenario. I'm like, at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. Tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like, at first. But if he was persistent, I might give in a little bit, just to see what it felt like. Would I push away? How hard? Like, what if he's really aggressive?"
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still...need to get to you?
Andy: This is not real Brad Pitt, this is like, my fantasy. I mean, it's not fantasy it's...just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow, I...wish I could help you. You might be gay.

Liar, liar
Michael [after spreading all of the false office rumors]: It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.

Ponce and Circumstance
Dwight [to the interns on their last day]: As a gift I've attached my card. Call me any time, day or night.
Preston/Porter intern: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight [takes away his card]: Now you can't call me at all, so problem solved.
Jim: You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night

Help a brother out
Jim: Are you interested in her (Pam's) guy friends?
Andy: No! I mean, for the record I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really?
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me I feel like.
Jim: Well, you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right? How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-O.
Jim: And then a man. And then compare.

Tell it like it really is
Angela: You know, a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard.

Come again?
Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all about? What am I working toward?

Sticks and stones
Toby: What are you guys talking about, I have a daughter. How could I be a virgin?

Told in confidence
Dwight: Michael, you told people I use store bought manure. When I showed you where my manure comes from.

The truth comes out
Michael: I made it all up.
Andy: Even the rumor that I'm gay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: Yes.

Signs you may be pregnant
Kevin: Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought, 'Oh she has a new bra with padding'. But then I thought, 'Pam doesn't need padding'. It just didn't add up, Jim.

Just clearing up a few things
Angela: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OBGYN?

Not quite...close
Michael [looking at an ultra sound]: Pam, look at that! That is the inside of your vagina!

I need to know facts
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

The more you know
Julia Stiles intern: I learned that half these people's email password is 'password'.