Live Tweeting the Golden Globes

I wasn't going to do this, but my good friend Alexis convinced me to. Even though this blog is more for television than anything. Even though in the land of t.v. I don't care about Micky Rourke. This way you'll get my reactions as I'm feeling them. So let's all get ready to have a great time.

More shake ups a NBC

As you've no doubt heard by now, NBC is doing what they do best: acting a fool.

Yesterday, TMZ leaked details that Jay Leno's show, due to abysmal ratings, was being canceled. Then, the real shoe dropped: He was taking back his 11:30 spot. This part, and whether he will only have a 30 minute show before Conan comes on from 12-1 or not is all still up in the air. But, it leaves so many questions unanswered:

What is with NBC jerking around Conan O'Brien like this? Not only are they messing with his life, it's all of the people who made this huge move to L.A. with him. If there weren't so many other people who would be affected if Conan simply walked, I could easily see the Tonight Show host jumping ship at the network completely. There are plenty of places that would actually want and appreciate Conan, I'm sure.

What happens to Jimmy Fallon? In the beginning, he wasn't funny at all, and now he's kind of adorable. Plus, The Real Housewives of Late Night? Priceless. He doesn't deserve to get screwed in all of this.

(Let's just all say it now: No one cares about Carson and what happens to his show. Though, if they push it back far enough maybe that'll get rid of Poker After Dark once and for all.)

If NBC is indeed thinking up some kind of 30 minute show for Leno, what will that even consist of? I feel like his monologue alone drags on for 30 minutes. Plus, I'm convinced that no one actually watches him for his jokes, they watch for bits like Jaywalking, the talking photo booth, Headlines, etc.

Conan O'Brien, so far, has remained classy and quiet regarding the situation, but Leno was making cracks about in last night's monologue.

We can only sit and wait for more information as NBC continues to prove why they've fallen so low.

Source: Oh No They Didn't (The BEST source for entertainment news!)

New Year Resolutions

Welcome to the last day of 2009. Not only that, welcome to the last day of the decade. I’m sure you’ve all been reading lists regarding the best television shows and best characters from the past 10 years, so I’m not going to focus on that. Instead, let’s talk resolutions. I gave up a long time ago on that gym membership, so instead I’m making more realistic goals for myself, all centered around – you guessed it – television.

Be brave; try more new shows
This one will be hard for me. Reason being that shows I actually enjoy inevitably get canceled before all episodes can be aired. Case in point: Eastwick. I enjoyed this show as a Charmed meets Desperate Housewives set up, and not only did ABC cancel it, they also skipped an episode before the last one they ever aired. Things like this and knowing how quickly shows get canned kept me from enjoying Modern Family and Cougartown when they premiered and I had to play catch-up. I understand money issues and advertising when it comes to airing shows, but there needs to be some way to keep those who actually enjoy television from becoming disgruntled. Maybe start with not skipping remaining episodes and airing them all before pulling the plug? I don’t know, just a suggestion.

Re-watch old favorites
With LOST ending this year, and Battlestar Galactica having ended earlier, I think it’s time to pony up and re-watch both shows from beginning to end. Of course, LOST will be a summer project (and hopefully by then the sixth and final season will be available on DVD). Another show worth re-watching will definitely be Arrested Development (something else cut down in its prime). I’m going to get lofty and say I’d like to re-watch all of The X-Files which means that I’d have to sit through seasons eight and nine, but maybe the sting of that wound has healed enough over the years. And to really overshoot my goal, I’d love to re-watch all of Will & Grace, because damn if I don’t miss the Jack and Karen show.

Don’t let the DVR pile up
I made the mistake of doing that this year more than once, and it took me weeks to get caught up. Television watching actually became stressful so clearly, I need to space out what I’m watching. If only Wednesdays and Thursdays (and coming soon in 2010, Tuesdays??) weren’t so jam packed! Instead of blowing off catching up when I have free time, it’s time to commit, commit, commit.

Finally, be more vocal about great (and even good) T.V.
You’d think that having a blog would pretty well have me on the right path, but the truth is (as anyone who reads this on a regular basis knows) that life gets in the way quite a bit. There are times I’d love to come here immediately and rant and rave with everyone, but my job beckons, and the one that pays me money actually sucks my soul. Sadly, as much as I wish this weren’t true, I don’t always have time for the blog. In a fantastic world, this is what I would do for a living, but since I neither know anyone who can get me into the world of professional (?) blogging or know anyone at Entertainment Weekly (seriously, someone from there feel free to call me) I come here when I can. I just hope that lengthy absences are rewarded with people wanting more updates, not wishing I would go away.

So, those are my T.V. driven goals – what are yours? Let me know in the comments, and let’s make this a great New Year (and decade!) for television.

Talking To Anyone Out There

It’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted here (not since the Emmys), and it comes down to two things: I overwhelmed myself with the amount of television I was watching, and the job I actually get paid to do went through a massive upheaval of changes. The first thing is completely my fault, but there were so many shiny and new things! Modern Family, Cougar Town, and Glee! The second thing – not so much within my control but it doesn’t matter anymore because it has finally calmed down. Somewhat.

Post Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the great shows both renewed and new that have been able to keep me entertained: The three already mentioned, plus Mad Men, Community, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, LOST (final season coming soon!) and others. I’m still hoping that some shows will be let go. Shows like Heroes that have fallen to contrived plots and barely there twists in the story lines. And I’m mourning the loss of some early cancellations, most notably my guilty pleasure show Eastwick. What wasn’t to love about that show? It was Charmed meets Desperate Housewives, and it was delicious.

I wanted to compile a list of my top favorite quotes from the past year of television, and then I realized we have the end of a decade upon us. So, I’ve decided to go even further back. Here are some of my favorite quotes from 2000-2009, may most of these shows rest in peace. (And yes, shows that ended within the decade still count! But I am limiting myself to only the seasons that were within this decade. See? Tricky, silly blogger.)

Will and Grace

Karen: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and...Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out!

Jack: Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!

Karen: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus?

Karen Walker: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

Battlestar Galactica

Bill Adama: As of this moment we are at war.

Laura Roslin: We need to get the hell out of here and we need to start having babies!

Baltar: Its all so pointless. We kill them, and they kill us, so we kill more of them, so they kill more of us. What's the point anymore?

Number Six: You, your race, invented murder. Invented killing for sport, greed, envy. Its man's one true art form.

Laura Roslin [after finding ‘Earth’]: So…much…life.

LOST

Jack Shephard: God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together—we're gonna die alone.

Hurley: Okay. See, we did crash, but it was on this crazy island. And we waited for rescue, and there wasn't any rescue. And there was a smoke monster, and then there were other people on the island. We called them the Others, and they started attacking us. And we found some hatches, and there was a button you had to push every 108 minutes or... well, I was never really clear on that. But... the Others didn't have anything to do with the hatches. That was the DHARMA Initiative. The Others killed them, and now they're trying to kill us. And then we teamed up with the Others because some worse people were coming on a freighter. Desmond's girlfriend's father sent them to kill us. So we stole their helicopter and we flew it to their freighter, but it blew up. And we couldn't go back to the island because it disappeared, so then we crashed into the ocean, and we floated there for a while until a boat came and picked us up. And by then, there were six of us. That part was true. But the rest of the people... who were on the plane? They're still on that island.

Mad Men

Bobbie Barret: This is America, pick a job and become the person who does it.

Don Draper: Advertising is based on one thing, happiness. And you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of the road that screams reassurance that whatever you are doing is okay. You are okay.

Friends

Joey: Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler: I don't... understand

Joey: Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica: It doesn't make any sense.

Joey: Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler: On every word?

Joey: Yep!

Monica: What was this sentence originally?

Joey: Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler: And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey: And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica: Uh, Joey, we can't use this.

Joey: Why not?

Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Desperate Housewives

Bree: As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex: Bree...

Bree: And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

Lynette: Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay.

30 Rock

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?

Jenna: Well, of course Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?

The Wire
McNulty: This is just us talking right? Just you, me, my partner and... what did you say your name was?
Bodie: I didn't say shit.
McNulty: Just you, me, my partner and Mr. Shit here.

Slim Charles: Don't matter who did what to who at this point. Fact is, we went to war and there ain't no turnin' back. I mean, shit, it's what war is, you know? Once you in it, you in it. If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie. But we gotta fight.

The Office (US)
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[Playing the game of Life]
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Buffy: So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman... is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power, can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

Modern Family
Haley: Hey mom?
Claire: Yeah?
Haley: Can I have forty dollars for lunch?
Claire: Forty dollars?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: A book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

Glee
Mercedes: Oh, HELL to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singin' nonsense. I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland.

Sue: I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.

This is just a mere sampling of what I think have been some of the most memorable quotes of the decade. I could go on forever; I could make this post so long it takes up the entire page. I love pop culture quotes, and I love 'em hard. So now, I want to know what you think. Share with me your favorite quotes from television shows in the past ten years. Spam the heck out of me with your quotes, because I love to read them. And I know you love to relieve them.

Emmy Awards 2009

Check back here frequently for my live blog of the Emmy awards, starting at 8/7 central!


6:56 - four minutes until the show! Wrap it up, 60 Minutes.

7:00 - Oh a nice montage of CBS moments and the stars on the red carpet. Aretha's hat revisted from the inauguration!

7:01 - Neil starting the show with singing is the only way I could accept this moment.

7:03 - Oh Jon Hamm and Christina Hendricks! Gay joke here.

7:04 - I should mention that NPH is wearing a white suit and looks AMAZING.

7:05 - "I love that we're already running 27 minutes late. We just started, how did this happen?"

7:05 - Great LOL moments discussing the fact that theme songs have disappeared from t.v. shows.

7:06 - "Here's hoping Kanye West loves 30 Rock."

7:07 - Ohhh, the stage will change as the categories change. And the show is divided up by comedy, drama, etc.

7:09 - An awesome comedy montage of the funniest moments from the television year. I'm really digging this set up.

7:10 - Tina Fey and Jon Hamm presenting together. Aww, they look cute. More Hamm on 30 Rock please.

7:12 - all of the actresses for best supporting are wearing glasses of some sort except for Vanessa Williams who is all "NO."

7:12 - Emmy goes to Chenoweth!! And she's adorable! And crying! Shout out to Oklahoma!

7:14 - Cheno is crying through the whole thing. "I'm unemployed now, so I like Mad Men, and The Office, and 24."

7:15 - Commercial break, and I'm running to grab another grilled cheese sandwich. Back in a jiffy!

7:20 - PC from the Mac vs PC commercials is our narrator for the evening.

7:21 - The cast of How I Met Your Mother is presenting the award for outstanding writing in a comedy series.

7:22 - 30 Rock wins its first emmy of the night!

7:24 - Julia Lous Dreyfus and Amy Poehler are presenting for outstanding supporting actor in a comedy series.

7:26 - Jon Cryer wins, and Jack McBrayer continues to be adorable as everyone else looks kinda pissed off.

7:29 - Commercial and commentary: I would have given anything to see Jack McBrayer take that stage and make a speech. Ah well.

7:33 - Justin Timberlake! Why hello there beautiful. He's presenting for outstanding lead actress in a comedy series.

7:35 - Sara Silverman is wearing a moustache and makes JT lose it. "That's what hormones will do."

7:35 - Toni Collette wins! Surprising everyone.

7:38 - NPH does a bit with Jon Cryer about how he won. It's pretty funny - NPH was robbed.

7:39 - Some Gossip Girls chicks present best actor and actress guest stars. The emmys go to Tina Fey and JT for SNL!

7:40 - And JT gives us our second Kanye joke of the night.

7:42 Emmy for best comedy writing goes to a writer from The Office!

7:48 - Rob Lowe is the presenter for best actor in a comedy series.

7:51 - Alec Baldwin wins for 30 Rock!

7:52 - Lorne Michaels is getting a ton of shout outs tonight. I still think he's rude.

7:53 - There's a montage of Stewie beating the crap out of Brian (Family Guy) shouting "WHERE'S MY EMMY MAN?!"

7:54 - Next up: reality shows.

7:56 - Some dancers from Dancing With the Stars are doing a little number now. One of the girl's outfit reminds me of Pocahontas.

7:58 - Jon Cryer and Hayden Panettiere...oh I can't spell her name are giving the award for outstanding host. Hayden looks...I'm gonna let that go.

7:59 - Emmy goes to Jeff Probst.

8:05 - Tracy Morgan is getting behind a microphone to present best reality competition program. God help us all.

8:07 - The Amazing Race wins, and Tracy managed not to do anything outrages. I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed. But just in case you were wondering, The Amazing Race will never lose.

8:09 - Movies and mini-series up next. Don't look for updates super fast on this one.

8:12 - Kevin Bacon and his gorgeous wife! They're presenting for supporting actress. The winner is oh geez, the only name I can't spell. Shorhre Aghdashloo? Every time she inhales there's this deep wheezing sound though. It's so distracting because I'm laughing so hard.

8:14 - The win for best actor goes to Ken Howard. And there's the third Kanye joke of the night (paired with a Joe Wilson dig.)

8:22 - Kate Walsh and Chandra Wilson are presenting for best lead actor (how is this different than the last one? What did I obviously miss? Oh well.) The winner is Brendan Gleeson.

8:27 - My t.v. blinked out for a moment so I missed something, but hey there's Patricia Arquette and Jennifer Love Hewitt giving an award to Dearbhla Walsh. She needs a bra, sorry to say.

8:30 - A Doctor Horrible sketch!! OH MY GOODNESS A DOCTOR HORRIBLE SKETCH!!

8:33 - Alec Baldwin takes the stage again for best lead actress in a mini-series or movie. The award goes to Jessica Lange.

8:42 - Kiefer Sutherland and Anna Torv present for best made for television movie. Grey Gardens wins.

8:44 - Anna and Kiefer are still there to give an award to Little Dorritt.

8:46 - Woo, next genre is Variety!

8:49 - The Big Bang Theory cast takes the stage to present outstanding directing in a variety show. The Emmy goes to Bruce Gowers for American Idol.

8:52 - The award for best writing team goes to The Daily Show!

9:02 - Jimmy Fallon is on stage with one of those mics that distorts your voice, falls and 'hurts himself' and we shoot to Steve Carell losing it in the audience. But the award for Original Music and lyrics goes to the team that wrote the Academy Awards opening bit.

9:06 - Ricky Gervais comes out to no mic at all but recovers quickly. He riffs on Steve Carell for a moment and he's funny before presenting the award for best variety, comedy, or music series. And the Emmy goes to The Daily Show!

9:16 - Ohhhh time for Drama! I like how the show is running this year. It's totally made me forget about how crappy the hosting was last year.

9:19 - LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell are up to present best supporting actor and the emmy goes TO MICHAEL EMERSON. YOU CREEPY S.O.B. I LOVE YOU.

9:21 - The award for best supporting actress goes to Cherry Jones!!

9:23 - And now we have the in memorium, sung live by Sarah Mclaughlin. I mean, not that she is singing their names, but she's singing. I always, without a doubt say 'Oh, so and so died? I had no idea'. Or,'I thought they died a long time ago'. Also, there should be no applause because it's like playing favorites or something.

9:33 - Stephan Moyer and David Boreanaz let us know that the winner for best guest actress and actor in a drama are Ellen Burysten and Michael J. Fox.

9:35 PM - Ellen and Michael present for best director, and he award goes to E.R. Sorry, another snub, BSG.

9:36 - Annnnd the award for best writing goes to Matt Weiner for Mad Men!

9:38 - Simon Baker presents the award for outstanding lead actress to Glenn Close!

9:48 - Dana Delany (adorable) presents the award for outstanding lead actor in a drama. And the award goes to Brian Cranston. Jon Hamm was robbed. SORRY BRIAN.

9:51 - Bob Newhart! He's presenting for best comedy show but is telling stories. Um, long stories. And the show is running long, and the Mad Men rerun is on in 8 minutes so come on Newhart. I love you but you're killin' me.

9:54 - And the award goes to 30 Rock! As if there were a doubt.

9:56 We're told that the breakthrough performance of the year is something from True Blood. But I wouldn't know anything about that.

10:00 - Sigourney Weaver comes out in a gorgeous red dress to present the final award of the night. Best Drama. My fingers are crossed for you LOST! (And Mad Men!)

10:01 - THE AWARD GOES TO MAD MEN!! WOOHOO!!!

I've had a ton of fun with you guys tonight, thanks for coming by AND for all your shout outs on Twitter! Until next time.

Yay, Glee!

I would like to take this opportunity to disprove a few myths surrounding this show and what non-fans think. I don't feel as if I have to defend the show, but when things are said about the fans, well, as a fan I feel like I should be defending myself. So, without further adieu, this is where I politely tell you to change the channel if you do not enjoy this show.

As I was having a grand time with my Firefox add-on Stumbleupon, I came across this gem:

"People who enjoy the show Glee were raised on High School Musical."

I will let all of my readers over the age of 25 have first stab at this sentence.

That is exactly what is wrong with this statement. I didn't even know what the hell High School Musical was until all of the actors started breaking out on their own. I figured it out thanks to interviews that started with: 'My next guest stars in the hit Disney movie High School Musical...' And to be honest, they could have been saying television show, because to this day I don't know if it's a movie or a show, and I don't care enough to google it. The point is, no, people who enjoy Glee were NOT all raised on some Disney phenomena made for and intended to be enjoyed by teenagers and/or elementary school students. Not to say that Glee isn't supposed to be enjoyed by teenagers, just that its main target demographic isn't 13-18 year olds.

The appeal of a show like Glee, and the reason I'm personally a fan, is the amazing writing, wit, and talent involved. What other show on Earth will you be able to enjoy Jane Lynch verbally abusing everyone in sight, or Matthew Morrison dancing and rapping to 'Golddigger'? I know that singing and dancing isn't everyone's cup of tea - different strokes for different folks, as they say. And historically, musical shows fail so hard. Viva Laughlin, anyone? That one singing cop show? But this show has something those other shows were lacking, and that's heart. There are real story lines behind the singing and dancing, and that is what I love.

But cutting away to musical numbers like a fantasy is disappointing. I want it to be stage shows and performances!

So, here's how I feel about that, because I somewhat agree. I love it when the group is on stage singing their hearts out, BUT Rachel singing into her hairbrush or longingly staring at Finn while she sings Rihanna better than Rihanna does makes sense. It's like on Scrubs, when J.D. would go into his own little fantasy world. Sometimes his included singing, but ALL of Glee's include singing, and fabulous renditions of songs at that. I don't find a difference, really. I think it's actually very well done. Especially Mercedes after thinking Kurt broke her heart intentionally.

Ugh, high school stereotypes much?

Well, yes. I don't know about the last time you were in a high school, but it's pretty accurate. I hear people complain the LOUDEST about Mercedes being the ~sassy~ black girl and Kurt being so amazingly flamboyant. And yes, I do have what I feel is a valid argument about that.

Take a look at the cast of Glee. For that matter, when you watch the show, look at the background cast. The extras, if you will. I don't notice many other black people, do you? How do people who are different or don't fit in try to adapt to their surroundings? By taking what they see from other people of their same race/country/neighborhood and mimicking the behavior. This gives us the opportunity for something I like to call character development. You give these kids no real sense of themselves (isn't that how we ALL felt in high school?) and let them self discover along the way. Art imitating life - who knew?!

This is all I have - this is what I wanted to get off of my chest. And you're free to leave your WELL I STILL HATE THE SHOW, it's all over-hyped, it REALLY REALLY SUCKS comments because it's a free country and who am I to take away your First Amendment right? You know where I stand, and though I don't see the point in stopping to leave a comment about something you hate, you are more than welcome to do so.

The Office - Gossip

Ah, love
Kelly [about two dating interns]: If they get married before I do, I'm gonna kill myself.

Matchmaker
Michael: This place is like a Spaniard fly.

Come on and whisper in my ear
Dwight: People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheek bones.

On things that aren't real
Michael: I shoulda known. Poop ball?

What mama said
Michael: My mom always said that the third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.

Over the hill
Dwight: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.

It was all a LIE
Michael [after Phyllis discredits an intern's gossip]: You stupid son of a bitch, you set me up!

If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right
Preston/Porter intern: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael: Drugs?

True love conquers all
Stanley [on his affair]: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill...

It's a real stumper
Michael: It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.

Sharing is caring
Erin: Kelly has a eating disorder? She always eats my lunch.

Riddle me this
Andy: Let me give you a scenario. I'm like, at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. Tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like, at first. But if he was persistent, I might give in a little bit, just to see what it felt like. Would I push away? How hard? Like, what if he's really aggressive?"
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still...need to get to you?
Andy: This is not real Brad Pitt, this is like, my fantasy. I mean, it's not fantasy it's...just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow, I...wish I could help you. You might be gay.

Liar, liar
Michael [after spreading all of the false office rumors]: It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.

Ponce and Circumstance
Dwight [to the interns on their last day]: As a gift I've attached my card. Call me any time, day or night.
Preston/Porter intern: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight [takes away his card]: Now you can't call me at all, so problem solved.
Jim: You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night

Help a brother out
Jim: Are you interested in her (Pam's) guy friends?
Andy: No! I mean, for the record I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really?
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me I feel like.
Jim: Well, you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right? How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-O.
Jim: And then a man. And then compare.

Tell it like it really is
Angela: You know, a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard.

Come again?
Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all about? What am I working toward?

Sticks and stones
Toby: What are you guys talking about, I have a daughter. How could I be a virgin?

Told in confidence
Dwight: Michael, you told people I use store bought manure. When I showed you where my manure comes from.

The truth comes out
Michael: I made it all up.
Andy: Even the rumor that I'm gay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: Yes.

Signs you may be pregnant
Kevin: Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought, 'Oh she has a new bra with padding'. But then I thought, 'Pam doesn't need padding'. It just didn't add up, Jim.

Just clearing up a few things
Angela: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OBGYN?

Not quite...close
Michael [looking at an ultra sound]: Pam, look at that! That is the inside of your vagina!

I need to know facts
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

The more you know
Julia Stiles intern: I learned that half these people's email password is 'password'.